yelp lady

I was thinking earlier that people usually only go on Yelp to bitch, so I made an account to rate all my favorite places and say nice things. “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” and all that.. But it turns out that Yelping is actually pretty fun and a good way to procrastinate, so I’ve been sitting here for like an hour coming up with random reviews like:

“I go here a lot and always enjoy myself. The food (especially the crab cakes) is amazing and very reasonably priced. My friend and I like to sit in one of the ‘hidden’ booths in the back corner of the restaurant and pretend it’s a VIP lounge, even though one or both of us is probably wearing jeggings… Plus I always think that the very nice waiter will forget about us / our food order but he never does! Great place.”

I know how seriously some businesses take Yelp reviews (one place I worked at had a whole staff meeting after a particularly biting review), so after some time I started to feel  oddly powerful.

“That gross restaurant that fired me for no reason when I was like 17? I should rip. them. apart,” I started to think.

But before I even searched for that place, I remembered that I started my Self-Yelp journey for good, not evil. I wanted to be the anti-Gordon Ramsey and rave about deserving restaurants, and simply ignore the ones I don’t care for.

Eventually, though,  I started to get really annoyed at fellow Yelpers– especially the ones trashing my favorite places. So I became the snarky commentator I had hoped to avoid, adding lines to my (still positive!) reviews, like:

“The best crab dip I’ve ever had. I dk why this Danielle person below thinks it “tastes like cream cheese” but she is wrong.”

Yeah, that’s right Danielle – I’m calling you out. I might get banned from the site for cyberbullying or something, but

“You either die a hero, or Yelp long enough to see yourself become a villain.”